These days, my house has become a movie set. Not for anything grand or elaborate, but for recording blond heads which bob in and out of the frame, and bodies which do Olympic-inspired jumps and leaps.
Ipad. Iphone. Camcorder. We do it all.
But at times, I wonder about the effect of all this moving making. I wonder about how my children—and your children—will be impacted by having so much of their lives captured and preserved. By staring in a movie that begins the moment they enter this world, and continues on without end.
When kids seem themselves onscreen, they watch in wonder. They are mesmerized by how their face looks when they scrunch it up, amazed that they can do that thing with their tongue, proud at the sound of their own voice. Kids get something very basic from watching themselves: confirmation of existence; recognition of the self. “Whoa, that’s me.”
Almost anyone would find such self-absorption annoying in an adult. But for a child, it represents narcissism in an age-appropriate way; kids are supposed to be self-consumed and egotistical. As my 4 year-old recently said to me, “I’m the most special kid at school, so I don’t have to follow the rules.” Never mind the fact that I turned white and nearly choked on my sandwich; never mind that she said it eyes askance, in that testing, 4 year-old way: what she said was patently normal.
If child development theories have it right, this self-absorption eventually wanes, and children become increasingly empathetic as their relational capacity swells. In other words, they learn to identify the needs and experiences of others as being distinct from their own. And they develop the ability to understand how another person might feel, even if they are not having an identical experience themselves.
But over the past few years, experts have argued that narcissism is on the rise, both in adults and in teens. And if this is true, it means that normal childhood self-absorption may stick around longer than predicted, and mutate from appropriate to alarming as kids fail to outgrow it.
Examples of narcissism abound in popular culture. Take, for example, reality TV, with its high concentration of megalomaniacs who behave in ways most of us find appalling (and yet we watch, because narcissism makes for some good TV). There’s also what I call the American Idol Effect, in which people who lack talent are so deluded and self-absorbed that they get onstage, sing their hearts out, and are genuinely confounded by the negative feedback they receive. I imagine that such folks have received only buckets of praise in the past, which leaves them lacking when it comes to accurate self-evaluation. Or maybe they’ve heard criticism but rejected it, because it contradicts what they believe about themselves (or want to believe).
And finally, there is Facebook. Facebook has been described as both a contributor to narcissism, as well as its mere reflection. But the truth is perhaps somewhere in between. As Keith Campbell, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia, explains it, “Narcissism and self-esteem began to rise in the 1980s. Because Facebook came on the scene only [eleven] years ago, it wasn’t the original cause of the increases. It may be just another enforcer.”
If it’s true that Facebook reinforces narcissism in adults, then what does it do to our children? Because really, most parents aren’t constructing only a highly-edited narrative of their own lives online, but also a highly-edited narrative of their children’s. Here’s Suzy eating peas! Here’s Suzy winning first place in the gunny sack race! Here’s Suzy…
In essence, the issue is not just one of parents turned paparazzi; it’s the fact that all those adorable photos and videos have their run on the world’s largest stage: Facebook. And all this happens before most kids are even old enough to log in and set up an account of their own.
Many parents are discrete in their use of Facebook; many are thoughtful in terms of what they post. And through its ability to tie together far-flung families and friends, Facebook is not without virtue. I remember the days of breastfeeding and reflux–the cries of an infant in pain, my own inability to soothe her. Facebook provided distraction, connection, and a means to tolerate the isolation I experienced. For this, I am grateful. And don’t get me wrong: I still love me some Facebook, and curl up with it more often than I care to admit. Plus, I post about my kids, albeit in a (hopefully) judicious manner.
But we don’t yet know how this story will end, as ours is the first generation of children to grow up with their lives enshrined on Facebook. It’s possible that little Suzy’s life will be littered with the detritus of narcissism, in part because we’ve made her believe that everything she does merits preservation–or even worse–applause. It’s possible that she’ll develop a need for constant attention and praise, or an insatiable thirst for power–both of which could sabotage her chances for giving and receiving love and thriving in her community.
Narcissism is too complex to be explained by any one factor, even a medium as engrossing in effect and far-reaching in scope as Facebook. In reality, there are likely biological and environmental factors which relate to this trait, as well as to its most extreme manifestation: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Regardless, it’s worth it to stop and wonder about these things. Because if we don’t think about how our actions will potentially impact our children, then perhaps the narcissism we need to fear most is our own.
***********************************************************************************************************
How do you decide what to post on Facebook? Do you agree that narcissism seems to be on the rise? And do you worry about your own child becoming narcissistic?
***********************************************************************************************************
Photos via Flickr’s Creative Commons: 1. sfrancisball; 2. Wyoming_Jackrabbit
You bring up some really good points. The photos, the Facebook, giving too much attention to my child…. I’m with you.
Thanks, Stephanie. It’s definitely a balance, as we all want to celebrate our kids, but it’s important to be mindful while doing so!
Really enjoyed this post! Thanks for the insight, Dana.
Thanks for reading, Denise!
Dana, well written! I’m so excited you have a blog! I’m also excited that you are bringing up this issue. I was thinking about this just yesterday when I read a really great quote from one of my nephews and my whole extended family applauded via face book. Pro’s; it was a great quote, he is a great kid, and he is a kid who was adopted at age 6 and probably needs the extra self esteem. On the other hand, my parents were more about the old-school, children-seen-not-heard thing and I feel that has helped me to listen more, learn more. I am worried all these little ones will think everything they say is important. I find myself telling Phoebe quite often now, “you only have 4 years on this planet, so what you want doesn’t always matter yet!” What of their ability to trust adults and take advice? When I was a dumb teenager on some level I knew I was a dumb teenager. Will this generation have that humility?
Oh this is just such a test of our times isn’t it?? I don’t share my children’s names, schools, birth dates – as little information apart from images as possible – to protect them from things now & in the future (identity theft, privacy) as they haven’t asked to be published on my blog!!
Now my eldest is 13, she has been raised on “you’re not having FB” in so much as protection from her need for validation on line by people who hardly know her & the biggest issue i see – being tagged, named, identified by time, place & friends ON OTHER PEOPLE’S FB pages. I loathe it when it happens to me as a mother of 4 & Army wife, it tells the world “hey, this family is not home, come burgle their home” along with a myriad of other privacy issues.
As for your 4 year old, when my eldest was this age she was “i’m not a photo taken girl” & all the photos i took of her were unsolicited & unapproved by her, such a shame, there were tears, so enjoy the fact she doesn’t mind her photo being taken. You know children, they can turn on you in an instant for zero plausible reason. Love Posie
Yes, Dana! I totally agree and think about these things myself.. I am very specific and selective about what I post both about myself and my daughter. It’s a complicated issue.. and I certainly plan to not allow a FB account for her until she is a teenager (in her 20s?
.. But I also have to admit it’s very enjoyable to have such a easy way to connect and share special moments with a whole bunch of friends right at the same time.. Just one of the many things we have to worry about, huh?
It is a thorny issue indeed, and I certainly understand the appeal of being able to share the sweet moments in such an accessible way. One more thing to worry about, indeed! This modern parenting thing is harder than it looks…
Another thing that I think about is ways in which we feed our own narcissism through our children via the medium of facebook and social media. Another blog that I read talks about her self-described “somewhat extreme” stance on sharing photos, videos, etc. of her children via facebook. She says that her children (8-year-old twins) do not have the capacity at this tender age to make the decision of whether they want their photos displayed for posterity (whether it’s of them taking a bath or winning an award) and so she doesn’t want to assume their consent. I think this is a really powerful perspective and makes me think about how facebook has taken parents using their children’s achievements to foster their own sense of self to an entirely new level. Now, within seconds, parents can earn praise for their child’s own, personal (I think we forget that) activities, thoughts, etc. AND when they don’t (get likes or comments), feel deflated. So, potentially, we are not only making our kids narcissists, but we are increasing our own narcissism and self-absorption to the point where our kids are separate and unique human beings gets lost.
So true, Ashley. It’s often parents using their children’s photos, videos, or accomplishments to meet parental need. And I also like the idea of not posting too much about our kids until they are old enough to actually give their consent and fully understand what they are consenting to. Sometimes it feels like we might be robbing our children of their own story, and their chance to tell it as they desire.
Thanks so much for broaching this subject, Dana. I had a conversation with someone at my 20 year high school reunion (and yours;) about how old my children were in comparison to what she had expected. I realized that she’d been assuming that my Facebook page picture was the latest representation of my family. But in fact, I purposefully log onto Facebook as little as possible. I just don’t make time for it, because it does not fulfill me. It leaves me feeling hollow. And I fear how photos of my children might be abused. Unfortunately I live with that fear, but use it in a healthy way–I feel–to keep me away from one more distraction, online distraction at that. I have enough online time with my small business, online classes, attempting to meaningfully catch up with friends on email, scheduling my families’ busy lives, etc. I make photo books annually in the month of December and we don’t take many videos because we have yet to fully join the i-world. Our video camera only comes out on special occasions. That said, I still see an inability to function without mommy coordinating every move in my children that may not be narcissism but is a manifestation of ego, a part of this over-scheduled, all-about-the-kids world that concerns me. Thanks for sharing these thoughts again!
It is interesting that we can only really compare the world to what we know and experience. When the pen was invented the outcry was that “the art of story telling” would be lost forever – it wasn’t, but just came in another form. It makes me wonder if the research said the same thing when the camera became affordable for the masses??? Were we encouraging narcissism in our children or even reflecting our own narcissitic tendencies, by snapping everything they did and showing it off to family and friends? Currently I am touring Europe, taking in ancient collections of art and portraiture – sculpture included. Narcissism was definitely alive and kicking in our history. With each new invention and evolution our world changes, and I would say it’d definitely for the better. So jump on board and enjoy the ride.
Pingback: Mara Glatzel » Body Loving Blogosphere 08.26.12
I’m not yet a parent, but this is a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. A friend of mine has three albums on facebook of her daughter, each with over 200 pictures…and the girl is less than 4 months old. My mother complained recently that my facebook posts are mostly about the weather or funny cat videos, not about what me and my husband are actually doing. I told her that I’m struggling to find the balance between openness and sharing with the diverse group of facebook friends, which range from my immediate family and closest friends to co-workers to former classmates. Information that might be appropriate to share with that first group becomes wildly inappropriate when shared with the second group. I imagine that this balance will become even more delicate as my husband and I begin to have children, and I have already begun to plan for how we/I will manage that. So far, I’ve decided that the first step is tightening my security settings as much as absolutely possible, including making it impossible for other people to tag me in location posts. The second step will be reducing my friends list to the core of close friends and family. I have already asked that people check with me before posting pictures of me, and I plan to be even stricter about that once my children come.
Pingback: Link Love (08/09/2012) « Becky's Kaleidoscope