Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Negative Body Image (Change Your Thoughts, Not Your Thighs!)

Welcome to the third post of my weekly series, “Change Your Thoughts, Not Your Thighs!”  Read on for tips about how to transform body image without changing your size or shape.  And check back every Friday for more ideas.  Or, better yet, subscribe by email or RSS, so that you get body-loving goodness delivered right to you!

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Poor body image tends to take root in neglected soil. We are most susceptible to it when we’re in a compromised state—when we have failed (or been rendered unable) to attend to our emotional or physical needs.  Tired, cranky, lonely, angry, hungry: these are the conditions in which negative body image thrives.

Often, we have taken better care of others, over the long course of years, than we have of ourselves.  Some of us have refined both the act of tending to loved ones and the act of neglecting ourselves.  In fact, it may feel downright selfish to think of nurturing our bodies and our psyches in the way that we would a child, partner or friend.  Because doing so violates the job description we’ve conjured up in our heads—the one that drives our behavior and tells us how we’re supposed to act.

If we are accustomed to neglecting or downplaying our needs, it’s likely because we’ve told ourselves that we don’t require much care–that our purpose is to be there for others.  Alternately, we might believe that we’re not worthy of such care or cultivation.  Either way, this type of self-neglect or self-denial usually indicates that we are very good at something else—being hard on ourselves.

Wondering if this applies to you?  The easiest way to find out is by taking stock of your self-talk–listening to the voice that narrates your days and swims around your head–to determine whether it is friend or foe. Are you quick to find fault with yourself?  Do you judge, criticize and condemn yourself, even for infractions anyone else would consider benign?  Do you berate yourself for overeating, missing a workout, or failing to have the “perfect” body?

Keep a log of these critical thoughts, so that you can learn to recognize that voice.  The goal is to replace those stale, recurring thoughts with new ones—thoughts that are grounded in present-day reality, and which reflect an ethos of self-care.  For example, instead of beating yourself up for not making it to the gym, you might remind yourself that you are juggling an awful lot, and give yourself credit for accomplishing all that you do.  You won’t necessarily feel joyful as a result, but at least you won’t end up in a pit of shame.  (Because if you sink that low, it’s hard to climb your way out.  And you’re unlikely to reach your original goal of getting to the gym since you’ll be depleted from all that emotional self-flagellation.)

Clients often tell me that they don’t want to give up the self-critical voice, because they believe that it keeps them motivated and productive. Being compassionate or easy on themselves, they fear, will make them idle, fat, or unsuccessful.   And if I try to convince them otherwise, they see me as an impossibly cheesy therapist—one who couldn’t possibly understand that, underneath it all, they are truly flawed, lazy, and good-for-nothing.

But now I have research to back me up.  That’s right, there is data to support the idea that harsh self-criticism does not lead to health or wellness, and in fact, the opposite may be true.  As an article from the New York Times explains, “The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.”

Rather than putting you at a disadvantage, then, being kind to yourself might actually help you reach your health and fitness goals.  And because self-esteem is highly correlated with body image, if you feel better about yourself (which is likely if you practice self-compassion), then you’re likely to feel better about your body, too.

Next time that critical voice starts in on one of its tirades, recognize it for what it is, and counter it with a more compassionate one. Just as building a muscle takes patience and practice, so does changing a thought pattern.  But if you can alter your response, and build that mental muscle, then you might feel stronger than ever.  Even if you don’t hit the gym.

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So what do you think?  Are you willing to give it a go, to try to disarm that self-critical voice and adopt a more compassionate one?

And check Virginia Sole-Smith’s new post at Never Say Diet. She interviews Jean Fain, author of the new book, the Self-Compassion Diet, which is all about–you guessed it–being self-compassionate!