Spring break: sunny beaches and tanned, oily bodies. Or, if you’re in the Rocky Mountains like me, snow-covered daffodils pushing through dark, frosty earth.
My toes have scarcely seen the outside of a boot, much less the hot sand of a beach, in many months. And though I don’t have plans to don a swimsuit any time soon (brrrrr!), the diet industry knows: summer is around the corner. Which means pedicures and waxing and anxiety aplenty.
The “Shape up for summer!” ads are unavoidable, as are infinitesimal bikinis, which dangle, tauntingly, from sales racks. Many of us fear that our winter sloth will soon be made known, as generous winter clothing gives way to the scant cuts of summer.
Though it may seem counterintuitive, anxiety about size and shape is only partially related to appearance. Many of us believe that happiness is assured if we downsize our bodies or tone up our flab. And in the short term, this may be true–particularly if our overall confidence is ample, our sense of self grounded and secure.
But eventually, those doubts and fears may creep back and wrap themselves around our brains once again. Particularly if what we are dealing with (or, as it may be, not actually dealing with) is something unyielding and unresponsive to the quick fix of weight loss, something we can’t outrun, no matter how many hours we log on the treadmill.
That something may be shame. And if it is the subterranean source of our discontent, then the real issue boils down to this: No matter what we do, we are never good enough.
Self-acceptance is always 5 (or 50) pounds away. We imagine that it will magically present itself after we run the next marathon or lose enough weight to finally wear that dress in the back of our closet.
And yet. That future, and our happiness, never materialize.
We’ve been taught that self-improvement is noble and laudable; in fact this notion is central to the American dream and our cultural identity. But at times our efforts go too far, and we find ourselves on a hamster wheel of perpetual betterment—seeking always, always, to evolve into a new, better version of ourselves.
Sadly, this means that we will never reach the mountaintop and proclaim, “I did it!” Because there is no point which represents completion or satisfaction; there is no respite from the tenacious and self-propelling shame.
In order to offset the current seasonal onslaught of pro-dieting messages, I’ve decided to start a weekly series called “Change Your Thoughts, Not Your Thighs!” in which I offer a tip on (yup, you guessed it) how to improve your body image. And, as you would also likely guess (you guys are so smart!), the tips relate to accepting what is, as opposed to changing your size and shape. Because rock-hard abs only get you so far. (And what’s wrong with some pillowy softness, anyway?)
Stay tuned.
Photo by Patent and the Pantry via Flickr’s Creative Commons License.
“Change Your Thoughts, Not Your Thighs!”
Cause no matter how much I aspire to reach the self satisfaction point where I don’t concern myself about this crap, it wriggles back into my mindset like a parasite!
Love it Dana, bring it on
Cool idea for your new body approach. Can’t wait to read those tips!
Thanks, Sharyn! They’ll be delivered to your inbox starting next week.
“change your thoughts, not your thighs!” what a great quote.
and you are so right that the real issue is feeling “not good enough”, no matter what we do.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I appreciate your comment and think your work is FANTASTIC! (And totally good enough.
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Dana, this is great. I fully support what you’re doing, as I know firsthand that weight loss doesn’t bring the kind of happiness and self-confidence we always dream of. Indeed, I was in the worst place mentally when I was thinnest.
That was my experience too, Katie. It’s a culturally supported myth that thinness equals happiness, and it can be devastating when we find out the truth. But hopefully, I can offer some suggestions on how to improve body image without changing size, shape, or weight.
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Thanks, Virginia!
Oh this is all brilliant, it’s a complete mind set. I’m doing a very healthy 12 week programme at the gym & i can see the ladies who really haven’t changed a thing with their eating (or drinking!!) then they are surprised why they haven’t lost kgs or cms off their body. I stick to my own mind set, which is sensible, slow & healthy for long term results so i don’t have body issues as my girls grow to teenagers. That’s motivation enough, love Posie
I know what you mean, Posie, having daughters is good motivation for me to work on self-acceptance, too. They will pick up so many negative messages about their bodies as they grow, but I want to ensure that those messages don’t come from within our house. Thanks for your comment!
I am new to your blog and I am so glad I found it! I love this post and as I am just beginning to work on accepting myself for who I am and being ‘healthy at any size’ I can’t wait to dig into your series!
Thanks, Kate! So glad you found my blog.
I agree with so much of what you have explored and written.
I would however like to ask you about who your target audience is. Are you talking to women who have some wobbly bits and a bit squishy here and there, or do you include women like me, or more how I was, very overweight.
At 5 ft 6 I was 200 pounds. After a couple of babies I found losing some of the weight after having my children hard. The weight crept up and up. Then after my last child nearly 2 yars ago I nevver lost any weight. In face I put on more and more. Women all around me telling me to accept and love me just how I was. I believed them, and kept eating as I was and not looking ater myself. Before long another 15 pounds came on, with my so called friends by my side telling me not to worry and they loved me.
This is what I have a problem with. As my weight increased my health deteriorated. I couldn’t sleep, felt tired when I was awake, had a lot of trouble breathing, my hair was falling out more and I was having trouble getting out of bed and off the couch, and even walking with the children, I would get puffed out.
I decided a change was needed, and started to lose weight by eating much better, cutting down on non nutritional foods and walking. Walking small amounts to start and increased as time went by. Just doing this I lost 40 pounds in 6 months. I continue to lose weight and am enjoying life so much more.
What I find sad and interesting is a few of my friends hardly call and are able to catch up with me anymore.
One even told me I was a sell out and that I was happy how I was and that I should have accepted my body.
Please understand I am not saying this is what you post is bringing across.
I am telling you my story so others can understand there is a big difference between accepting our bodies and their unique shape, and carrying more weight then our bodies should and it affecting our health.
It is important that women support eachother to lead and live healthy AND happy lives.
Sorry, I wrote 200 pounds, that should be 300 pounds.
Hi, G’Anne, so glad you stopped by and asked such important questions! There are certainly times when weight interferes with quality of life and health (being both too heavy or too thin can have this effect). So sometimes, it’s a good idea to change our weight, in a moderate way and with proper medical supervision. But, my intent is to inspire everyone–all shapes and sizes–to let go of the self-propelling shame, and to allow for self-acceptance TODAY. There is some good research (and this is my anecdotal experience, too) to support the idea that people are more likely to engage in behavior change (like losing weight) if their motivation is not tied to shame or other negative emotions. So even if you (or anyone else) would like to drop some pounds, changing your thought process, so that you are gentle and kind to yourself while making these changes, is a great idea. I am a huge proponent to the Health at Every Size approach (here is a link if you’d like to learn more: http://haescommunity.org/), so some of my thinking comes from this movement.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and I do hope that you can find some useful information in my upcoming series.
Love this idea! It’s so darn hard and exhausting to chase around that ideal of ____-ness – be is svelte, fit, tan, hairless, etc. It’s also, unfortunately, so darn hard to remember how to be gentle with and kind to ourselves. I’m looking forward to the tips!
Yes, hard and EXHAUSTING, as you say! It’s rather scary to think of the amount of time and energy we spend in body improvement projects (most of which are about appearance, as opposed to health, anyway).
“Change your thoughts not your thighs”!! I love it! This has been so true for me. When I was at my thinnest, I was also my most unhappy. And yet part of me still wishes I could be that size again… It’s like I’ve forgotten all the trauma it took to get there.
Isn’t it crazy (and scary) to think that we can forget the trauma and only remember our low weight? Yikes! But I do know what you mean, that even acknowledging the pain doesn’t entirely quash our desire to return to those thinner days. Oh, how deceptive and tricky the mind can be!
I ordered a pair of pants in the mail recently. I took a chance on size, and to be honest I was a bit hopeful. When they arrived Friday and I put them on, I was, of course, disappointed. They didn’t fit, and I loved them! I sank low. I’ve never been one to dwell on size, but lately with so many things going on in my life, my physical health has deteriorated. I was once so good about exercise, and now I’m lucky if I get a chance once or twice a week. And sometimes the feelings of insecurity sneak in with it…they are minor and I’m generally good at snuffing them out with perspective, but they visit every so often. So I’m looking forward to this series!
I know what you mean, Christine, if I get to the gym 3 times a week it is huge–often it’s just once or twice. And sometimes not at all! I try to look at health more comprehensively (based on happiness, fulfillment, concentrating on my wonderful daughters), but I miss feeling strong and physically healthy. Maybe this will come as the girls get older, but life is busy. As you surely know, too!
Dana, like all your posts, I love this! A few years ago, I wrote about one ridiculous article in a woman’s health magazine. In fact, it was a letter by the editor. All it talked about was the spring bikini panic. The article was just so anxiety-provoking and shame-inducing! It really was horrible.
I’m excited to read your body image tips! I also love your title.
By the way, it’s interesting that I, too, at my thinnest was most miserable. And similarly, I was really unhealthy: mind, body and spirit. All of these parts were under-nourished.
On a side note, you’re an amazing writer!
Thank you, Margarita, for your support of the post as well as your nice comment about my writing. (God knows I spend enough time on these posts, and they are never perfect, but I’m mostly at peace with that!) The whole spring bikini panic thing is really crazy–hard to believe it occupies so much air-time and print in the media.
Oh Dana. Hooray and High Five. I cannot wait to read your important series. I agree so much with what you’ve written. It amazes me how we can assign a prescribed lists of accomplishments that often times include “lose weight” or “inches” and then, feel just as sulky after that accomplishment has been checked off the list. The key, as you say, is realizing the source of the malaise or shame–and eliminating it. xoxo
Thanks, Denise. For me, that sense of accomplishment (whether about weight loss of anything else) is often short-lived, unless I just slow down and try to accept what is, rather than racing ahead, trying to reach the next goal.
Fantastic Post! I definitely agree. and if you slip into disorder eating patterns weight loss can bring more pain than pleasure. I look forward to reading your other posts!
Really looking forward to this series, as I am already seeing the return of critical body thoughts creeping into my head as the weather gets warmer. The thoughts are always there, but during summertime they go from a murmur to a loud scream. Needless to say, they take up a lot of my cognitive space which leaves me exhausted, frustrated, and (perfect wording) shameful. I’m eager to read your take on all of it and helpful tips to quiet the I’m-not-skinny-enough thoughts
Thanks, Lindsey. I know what you mean about these thoughts–how they take center stage as the weather warms. Hopefully the tips can offer a bit of relief!