This post was written as part of Teen Week, Medicinal Marzipan’s effort to reach out to and empower youth. Too often, those of us who are supposedly “grown up” are quick to judge teens–as irresponsible, as wildly immature and lost. I wrote this post to remind them (and us) that this assessment is inaccurate, as is the the media’s often cruel depiction of this age group.
As I wrote about last week, I’ve been preparing to conduct a series of workshops with 5th grade girls. And though I’m familiar with what researchers say about tweens, teens, and the particular subculture they inhabit, every now and again I feel the need to brush up on what the popular press has to say about this group. So I recently bought and combed through a fair number of periodicals aimed at boy-crazy girls who buy lots of make-up and obsess about jeans.
And here is what I learned:
- Some guy named Justin Bieber is apparently very hot. I think his hair has something to do with it.
- Tangerine lips are big this spring, and you’d better get your requisite tube of “Orange You Going to Kiss Me?” straight away. Failure to do so could mean you sleep alone. For the rest of your life.
And finally:
- Girls fight. A lot. They turn on each other more often than a revolving door, without pause or provocation. Merely because they are girls—inevitably catty and backstabbing.
Well. I’m certainly glad that the magazines enlightened me about that one. Here I was believing that girls are strong and smart and interested in things other than proper blush application or stealing their best friend’s boyfriend. Here I was believing that it might actually be sexist stereotypes which perpetuate the idea that girls are evil, that contribute to the notion that girls can go from ally to enemy in the blink of a charcoal-rimmed eye.
I was under the (apparently false) assumption that it might be those darn messages that are the problem—you know, the messages that girls are supposed to be like sugar and spice and everything nice, that account for the fact that girls don’t always communicate in the most straightforward of terms. I assumed that girls might be unprepared to deal with anger because they are expected to be sweet and considerate of others at all times.
Silly me, I figured that something about the way that girls are evaluated—on the size of their thighs and the shape of their eyes, especially by magazines like these—might contribute to the competition and hierarchy that exists among girls, to the jockeying to claim the cutest boy in school (with Justin Beiber hair, no doubt) as “boyfriend.”
Thank goodness these magazines disabused me of my faulty assumptions. And that they warned me!!! Because I learned that my BFF might be “out to get me.” Which makes sense, because she is a girl, after all, and girls do sneaky, conniving and crazy things like that.
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Wouldn’t it be easy for a girl to start believing the detrimental messages disseminated by teen magazines? Because on some level, we’ve all probably internalized the notion that girls are backstabbing and manipulative, that there is something in the female nature that makes us inherently and inevitably so.
This idea is older than the ages, with roots in an ancient and bucolic garden, nestled somewhere in the fertile crescent. Eve was the first woman to be typecast in such an unflattering and decontextualized light. And her legacy thrives in myriad contemporary incarnations: think Single White Female, Gossip Girl, or The Roommate.
I don’t deny that plenty of girls experience bullying or interpersonal conflict. And these are certainly issues which must be addressed, at the level of individual and community. But to do so, we need to understand the cultural context, the back-story about why (some) girls behave in such a way.
We need to look at what we ask of girls, in particular whether it is fair to insist that they be unflaggingly nice, even when it is not in their best interest to do so. And we need to wonder about whether they are taught to assert themselves and to express anger in a healthy way. (Boys need to learn these skills, as well, but because they are more likely to feel entitled to be angry, they can at least get out of the starting gate.)
Finally, we need to understand that, as long as girls and women are encouraged to cultivate—above all else—the externals in their lives (those things which relate to appearance and to the superficial trappings of femininity), they risk being stunted in their emotional and social development. And they miss the potential to have a rich inner life, replete with self-awareness and the ability to contend with knotty social situations and the emotional havoc that accompanies adolescence.
Perhaps it’s time we come up with a few new nursery rhymes, and leave the sugar and spice in the kitchen. Where they belong. Because teenage girls are much more complicated and wonderful than that.
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What do you think? If you’re a teen, how do you feel when you see the media depict girls as evil and manipulative? Are there some good female role models out there? And what about bullying? Does the media’s influence encourage girls to be dramatic and backhanded?
Want to participate in Teen Week? Pop on over to Medicinal Marzipan to learn what you can do!
When I was a teen, I very much struggled to create and maintain healthy female relationships, mostly because I could only see other girls as competition. I think that’s why, when I went to college, I found the feminist movement on campus so engaging and compelling; it was the first time I felt like other women were my allies instead of my competitors.
What a service it would be if girls could be taught to express their anger appropriately! Women of my generation (grandmothers) still have that problem, leftover from girlhood, of feeling the constant need to be NICE!
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There are moments when I am so very grateful that I am raising boys and that, though we will undoubtedly face our share of challenges, life will be far less complex. At least, from my perspective as a girl. When I was in grade school I was bullied by other girls, and I realize how formative in my development that was. I wish I had felt more empowered to be myself, secure in the knowledge that I was good enough on my own.
If I ever have a daughter I vow to empower her emotional self-worth, to protect her individuality and to show her that it’s not a competition.
Great post!
So interesting and thought-provoking. I have such a hard time figuring out how much these messages (sent by media) truly affect girls. I guess it is tricky to know. But I do agree – and deeply – that girls, young and teen and on, are far more complicated and wonderful than the hot pink sassy pages of these magazines will allow. Reading this makes me at once anxious and thoughtful about raising teen girls one day.
As always, wonderful.
I remember a course I took in college, Gender Relations in the Media. We spent one entire class watching clips of TV spots targeted to women. The overriding theme? CHANGE. Change your hair, your eyes, your face, your finger nails, your clothes, your body, your breath, your eyebrows. The way you are now–BAD. Once you change it–GOOD. It was the first time I realized how prevailing and insidious the media messages were. And how much I’d bought into it.
I really look forward to reading your posts–and think the work you are doing is powerful. Thank you.
I am very slow in responding, Denise, but wanted to say thank you for your kind words! And totally agree about the media’s message that, in our natural form, women are insufficient or even offensive. Yikes!
It is a tangled web we weave… that’s my experience on a number of levels. I ran a residential treatment center for children up to age 12, and we took boys and girls. We could put up to four boys in one room, but never more than 2 girls to a room. Why? Because the emotional machinations and melodrama that tended to play out between the girls was truly spectacular… fascinating, really. The myths of wrongdoing would grow to become so complex, so all-encompassing and so entrenched that it could take weeks of group therapy to sort it all out. The boys, on the other hand, usually were very up front and direct (and often physical) about their feelings, and then they were done until the next little storm brewed and, once again, passed over. Another notable experience was the first year I began running girls’ wilderness camps (“regular” girls, as it were, not a therapeutic camp); the director of the environmental non-profit that I run them with (15 years now!) had already been running a boys’ camp for years. That first year of girls’ camp he just looked at me mid-week and said, “What the HELL is this?!!” I calmly replied, “This is girls.” There were tears, friends going through fights and make-ups with one another, girls going off into the woods needing to be alone, girls circling around someone with a deep hurt that had surfaced (often something they had come into camp holding within themselves- a week in the woods brings everything out for some girls). It seems to be something about feeling deeply, resonantly, cyclically… one advantage I think girls actually have is that there IS an expectation that they will be emotional, so they are often given more room than a boy to do so. I am a woman raising girls, and I was a therapist for children and families for years… from that perspective I know well that boys and men feel deeply, too, but are given the message it should be held, should not be shown. And what I learned about the dramas of girls is that though their battles with one another could be intense, their reunions could be equally so… and so often there was, indeed, deep shame involved, self-loathing turned outward and inward all at once and profound reactions to issues of attachment and abandonment. My bias, I’ll admit, is that issues of attachment link easily to messages from the culture so that a girl without a secure base of support will so easily slip down the slope of peer pressure, will be hungrier to believe that what she reads and sees in a magazine is truth, gospel that finds her lacking in a horrible myriad of ways… It is all so tangled, and I only hope I can unravel it all a little before my girls get any older!
Wonderful comment, Geri. Yes, it does seem that girls feel intensely, and with the cultural support (pressure?) that they do so. And I like very much what you wrote about the idea of attachment–without this, girls (probably boys, too) are subject to such pressure and to some very ugly things. I think your girls will benefit so much from your wisdom and experience, even if you don’t have it all unraveled yet. (I certainly don’t, either!)
As someone who was CONSUMED with magazine messages when I was a teen, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this post (or how hilarious I found it – seriously, snorting with glee). Your writing is so wonderfully clear! Thank you for taking part, and (always) for all of your support. xoxo
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I read a GREAT book about girls and bullying, “Odd Girl Out” by Rachel Simmons. It’s a study of 300 teenage girls, with interviews, about their relationships to other girls and aggression. Incredibly interesting. (I sound like a spam bot, but I swear I’m not paid to say this!)
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls
Amen, sister. Excellent post, as ever.
Thanks, Megan! xo
I’m a guy, and I stumbled upon this article doing some self-interest “research” motivated by a conversation I had with a female friend. We used to date and I cut things off after deciding that she just wasn’t my “type;” she’s the type of lady who wears nothing but heals (she even has a pair for the beach!), would never be caught dead without a freshly applied coat of makeup, gets her nails done twice a week, and spritzes herself with a sometimes overwhelming amount of perfume. I asked her why she does all of the “woman” things that she does, and her reply was two-fold: One, doing so makes her feel attractive and feminine and two, its what men like.
I explained to her that not all men are attracted to those “feminine” attributes. Indeed, women I’m attracted to might have long or short hair, they more often than not wear no makeup, their prefer flip flops and jean shorts to heels and dresses, and they certainly don’t bathe in perfume. And I’m not alone — trust me on this; there are plenty of men who find “plain Janes” far more attractive than those “wicked city girls.” I also cited my belief that such “womanly” behaviors are socialized into and internalized by women from a very early age.
My point to her was not that she should change who she is, what she does, or what she wears; rather, it was that women are beautiful just because they’re women: soft skin, curves, feminine tone-of-voice, delicate features, etc. Hopefully this gave her some food for thought.
Thanks for writing the article.