My name is long, unwieldy, and commonly mispronounced. It is a double-barreled and intimidating mess of letters. When I first meet people, they typically opt for “Dana,” not as a means to be casual or chummy, but as a way to avoid tripping over those two words which are problematic by themselves, and near impossible as a hyphenated union: Udall-Weiner.
When I say my name, I sometimes feel embarrassed, arrogant: Who do I think I am to insist on keeping one name and adding another? Who do I think I am to ask that others learn to pronounce not one, but two, mouthfuls of moniker?
But I can’t imagine being just Udall, or being just Weiner. Each feels incomplete without the other.
Apparently, using a hyphen may hinder my career prospects, or at least that’s what a psychiatrist recently implied when he said that my name must be “awfully difficult” for my clients. Though his comment was brazen, condescending, and patriarchal, he had a point: my name presents a challenge. I’d like to think that I have more faith in others than he does, because I trust that people will eventually get it. (And they always do.)
There may be clients who are deterred by my choice to hyphenate because of their own implicit associations. Perhaps they assume that I will be a hairy feminist with floppy, unbridled breasts and a bean bag chair. Or that I will be shrill and unyielding, staunch in my feminist stance and critical of those who chose a traditional path.
Because we all make countless, unconscious inferences when it comes to women and names. We draw conclusions (accurate or not) about ethnicity, nationality, religion, socio-economic status, education, and political ideology. It’s what we do.
The psychiatrist, like most men, hasn’t had to face the issue of name; the issue of what to call yourself after you have chosen a partner or spouse; the issue of whether past and future can be combined, or whether, when walking forward through one door, another inevitably shuts behind you. He has not had to respond to the tug of the old family name, the subtle voice that quietly whispers, “Hey, remember me?”
Men are granted one name that follows them throughout life; they are not encouraged (explicitly or not) to suddenly drop their family name on the day they say “I do.” They don’t have to consider demoting, from last to measly middle, the name that’s accompanied them from diapers to diplomas. Or to think about hyphenation: the awkward, dreaded, politically-loaded and frequently-mocked choice to unite two names with that quiet and unassuming little line that somehow speaks volumes.
If our culture thinks that women who hyphenate their own names live near the outskirts of acceptability, those who hyphenate the names of their children might as well live off the grid in a yurt. Such women are considered bizarre, self-centered (for who would do that to her poor child?), and anachronistic.
Though people may tolerate the fact that I’ve chosen to hyphenate my own name, they can scarcely contain their scorn at the idea that I might make the same choice for my daughters: “Oh, but you wouldn’t give your daughter a hyphenated last name, would you?”
To which I say, “No, no, of course not. That would really be too much; that would be going overboard.”
And I mean these words when I say them; at some point, practicality impinges upon and constrains ideology. Besides, what happens when the child with a hyphenated name gets married? How many hyphens can you really manage, anyway?
But I also say those words because I know I’m expected to. Because it’s bad enough that I’m one of those women who hyphenates her own name; because I can’t imagine enduring the confused looks and thinly-veiled derision that is surely heaped upon mothers (and fathers?) who saddle their children with a conjoint surname.
For many women, the change from maiden to married name is not tinged with ambivalence or sadness. Maybe they prefer their husband or partner’s name to their own. Maybe the change feels exciting, as it represents a fresh start, or makes public a private exchange of vows. Or maybe it allows women to leave behind their single selves, the people they used to be, before they were married, stable, and grown-up. Perhaps it signals that a woman has snared her prince charming, that she’s followed the rules and engaged in the expected act of marriage (second only to the expected act of having children).
On the other hand, maybe shedding the maiden name merely reflects convention and ease.
It is possible that I am reading too much into the whole business, that I’m conflating identity with name. Because I am me, essentially me, regardless of what I call myself. But maybe, on some level, holding on to my name serves as a reminder that I choose to commit not only to my husband, but also to myself. And that I didn’t lose myself in marriage and motherhood, that I am still Dana Udall, the girl who played goalie and climbed trees and thought she’d become the first female Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Because those pieces of myself are worth remembering, and maybe a hyphen can help.
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Did you change, keep or hyphenate your name? Are you happy with your decision, and would you do it again? Are names important?
Source of illustration.
So wise, so nuanced in your consideration of a complex issue.
This is a huge hot button for me. I was the last of 6 granddaughters, name dies with me, blah blah blah. My father is dead, my mother remarried with a different name, my sisters married with different names. I am truly the last one. So I have family baggage about my name. I have feminist baggage about name changing (I am not property, which is the origin of the changed name). And I have the fact that my inlaws did every thing they could to stop their son marrying me and were verbally and emotionally abusive about it. (I am a “whore” among other things). I would die before I would share a name with them, even though it is also the name of my husband .
But I also saw, student teaching in a wealthy town, that the mothers did not “belong” to their families. At parent teacher conferences it was clear who the dad goes with, but the moms were left out. I didn’t want that. Working in poorer districts I’ve also seen many multiple named families where each there are 3 kids and 3 last names, none of which is the mother’s. I don’t want people wondering about family dynamics and I want to belong. So our daughter is hyphenated. She can do what she likes as an adult. I hope she drops her father’s name. He has brothers and nephews so the nane is assured for at least another generation. (and yes, he knows I say this).
Everyone feels the right to judge the hyphen. It has lead to big blowouts with inlaws (who after 10 years of marriage still insist on attaching their last name after mine during introductions and on mail. Or sending mail to just “Erin” with no last name at all. My husband didn’t talk to them for over a year after the fight when our daughter’s 1st birthday present came to the wrong name, as they wouldn’t acknowledge the hyphen and my name and he rightfully saw that as an attack on our family values.
Our daughter started a new school last week. 10 children, (all parents married), 3 share a family name with both parents, 7 have mothers who “kept” their name, 2 of the kids are hyphenated (including mine). It feels great.
Erin, I totally agree that people feel entitled to judge the hyphen. It reminds me of being pregnant and sensing that others felt they had every right to comment on and (in some cases) touch my belly. Very invasive! I am so glad to read that you have chosen to hyphenate your daughter’s name, and that the decision has been positive for you. I also like that you will encourage her to choose her last name as an adult. That sounds very empowering. I can imagine that you’ve fought hard to keep your name alive, since the name dies with you. Lots of pressure, indeed.
For me, this is an endlessly interesting topic. I believe deeply in the importance of names – those we are given and give, those we inherit and pass on. I legally changed my name upon marriage to my husband’s name, but professionally, I use both married and maiden because these are both important parts of my identity. One of the most popular posts on my blog “The Name Game” addresses some of these questions – http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2010/05/the-name-game/. Patently, you and I are not the only ones interested in this topic. Wonderful post, Dana.
Thanks, Aidan. I am glad to know of your post on the topic, and look forward to reading it. I am not surprised to learn that you’ve written about it, since I know that your use of names in Life After Yes–Quinn and Prudence, in particular–is central to the book. Names are important and relevant, indeed!
The situation is actually worse than what you describe. Not only do most men not face the issue but if they decide to face the issue, the pressure their families put on them to keep their original surname is much greater than the pressure heterosexual women face to take their husbands’ surnames.
I wanted to change my name and take my wife’s name. My parents were totally opposed to it and did everything in their power to make our lives miserable. Finally my wife (fiancee at the time) said it’s just not worth it because she wanted not to have “bad blood” at the wedding. So I kept my name. Her parents couldn’t even conceive of my wanting to take my wife’s surname, and they still pester her to this day to take mine.
So are names important? Of course they are. Why else would my parents kick up such a big stink about my changing mine? And to anyone who thinks a woman abandoning her birth surname isn’t a big deal, ask any heterosexual man if he’d consider taking his wife’s surname at marriage. 99.999% of men absolutely won’t consider it at all.
In terms of hyphenation being too clunky, I know some people who have simply combined their names… or picked a new one altogether. So in your case it’d be Udaner or Weidall.
I’m so glad to read about your perspective on this! I think you’re right that few men would actually take their wife’s name. This, as you point out, is evidence that names do matter, and that the issue smacks of patriarchy. I know of people who have combined their names or created a new name altogether, as you mention. For me, that doesn’t really solve the problem, as I don’t want to lose the link to my heritage and lineage. But if I had to go this route, I guess I’d choose Weindall (which conjures up the image of a doll drinking merlot). Udaner is pretty awful! Thanks for your comment, and kudos to you for wanting to take your wife’s name. Brave, you are.
When I got married, I went back and forth for a while about this issue. I was actually concerned about losing my feminist street-cred if I changed my name to my husband’s, as that’s just soooo patriarchy. But, in the end, I decided to change my name and move my maiden name as my middle name. I just decided that it would be easier and, honestly, I was a bit tired of having a maiden name that no one could pronounce or spell.
I totally understand this debate, both in terms of street-cred and as an issue of convenience. There really is not a great answer for women, just a bunch of less-than-ideal choices. Maybe others are more optimistic, but in my mind, the whole thing is challenging, and some form of loss is inherent.
Hi sweetheart, it’s me! I like that you held on to your name because it’s part of who you are. I will add to Dana’s topic at hand by saying that I have at least one guy friend (and one considering), that took the name of his wife’s family. In both cases it is because the wife was the last in the family line still bearing the name. Thought that was pretty interesting. Additionally, on a daily basis I see a ‘friend’ on my Facebook page whose name I don’t recognize and think, who is this person? In every case of course it’s a close friend of mine who no longer goes by their surname. Sadly, this happens to me when I call my sisters at times and get passed through to their voicemail. Wait, who? Oh right, my sister changed her name five years ago. It’s a funny little detail of everyday life.
I chose to keep my name, for both simple and complex reasons. Most important for me it was about my identity and my connection to my family, particularly my father. Ironic isn’t it? I think name really is all about identity, and as you so eloquently argue, people choose to keep, take or hyphenate for such a multitude of reasons that it’s a shame that anyone would see fit to judge based on that decision. It does seem to be an ongoing discussion though, that I expect as we enter the realm of married hyphenated generations will take on new and terrific twists.
I’m interested to see how all of this pans out in generations down the road, too. I’m glad that you raised the issue of connection to family–this is certainly an important factor for many people, as it was to me. Thanks for your comment, Christine!
Thanks for your comment. I certainly can’t prove this, nor is it my intention to suggest that those who change their names are less connected to their families than those who don’t. But, I think many women feel pressure to change their names, or don’t truly consider keeping their own names, out of pressure to conform, out of a desire to do what is expected. And this is an understandable choice, since without community support, keeping one’s maiden name can be a contentious action with some very real repercussions. My intent in writing this post was not to suggest that women should keep their names, but rather to speak from my own experience, and to explain and defend the choices of those of us who go this less traditional route.
So interesting. I kept my name until the birth of my second child when my priority became sharing a surname with my children. I kept my name upon getting married due to sheer indecision – Tom was more than willing to take my name and we considered creating a hybrid name but finally went with his as it was more unusual than mine – we did a directory name search and found there were about 20 to 1 of my maiden name combination to attaching his surname to my given name.
What’s always been more of a conundrum to me (and created more anxiety than the surname) is how I feel about my given name. I never felt it was a fitting name for me, I never really liked it. When my daughter expressed dissatisfaction at her name at age 4 or so, I told her she had our blessing to come up with her own name through her childhood and teenage years if she wanted to. I realize, of course, that I may have felt this same dissatisfaction with any name my parents may have chosen, it might just be my reaction to not having chosen it myself (hmmm, I’m seeing some parallels with my daughter’s fiercely independent personality here…). I’ve never felt so driven by this dislike to change my given name (it was given to me by my parents, after all), but don’t feel it would be scandalous, either. I felt even less connected to my middle name and so took my maiden name as my middle name when I changed my surname.
The fact that people feel it’s at all their right to complain about or judge your name is shocking. Name can be extremely difficult to pronounce because they are rooted in a different language than the speakers native tongue, yet we wouldn’t expect someone to change their name (anymore) because of that challenge. As long as you feel some ownership of your name – and if that’s the hyphen and what it means to you, well, it’s yours, wear it loud and proud! I understand fully not wanting to give up your name as your family has a strong presence identifiable through the name and that’s an important and indicative part of who you are – especially living in the area in which your parents and family live.
I can’t imagine my parents or my husband’s feeling any right whatsoever to weigh in on the issue and feel for those who have commented with their horror stories of parental judgment.
However one comes to it, a name should be comfortable to the wearer, and not an extra weight or cloak of a true identity.
Love reading your thoughts, Heather, as always. It is shocking that some people feel so entitled to comment on or bully others about names. I love that you gave your daughter permission to choose a different name if she wants to do so. (Though I personally love her name, and we considered it for our first girl!) Names are very particular, and often we have a gut level reaction that can’t be explained by reason. Regardless, your advice that we all should wear our names with pride is spot on.
This is such an interesting topic. I opted for the maiden to middle route. I like my husband’s family name. It is both symmetrical and lyrical when joined with my first. Oddly, being a Santa Fe Fufu, I lamented the change in numerology of all things. I downgraded from a lofty 9 to a lowly 2.
Once, I typed my name into a program that calculated how many people shared my name. I went from the 1,000s to the statement:
“There is only one, Sabrina S.”
That’s the kind of numerology I can live with.
Am fascinated by this. I used three names (first, maiden, married) for a long time professionally, and it was always confusing. I didn’t hyphenate so nobody knew what my name was. I grew really tired of walking up to hotels to check in and basically saying, “I have no idea what name I’m under.” When I switched jobs I dropped my husband’s name professionally and now I write and work under my maiden name. I just feel like that is “me” in a way that my married name will never be. I do use my married name socially, on Christmas cards, etc. I think my husband is sort of hurt about it, which was something I had not entirely thought through. In retrospect I sort of wish I had not changed it at all, though I do love having the same name as my children. It’s so complicated and I don’t have a good answer.
xox
Totally understand the issue of not knowing which name you’re under, as that’s happened to me many times, too! At times I use my children’s name (like for the Children’s museum membership), and at other times I use my own, hyphenated name (like at my doctor’s office). It is really quite ridiculous, but since I am using the hyphen, I’m not sure how else it could be. Like you, there are times when I wish that I hadn’t changed my name at all. Thanks for commenting, Lindsey!
This is a fascinating post. Many friends have gotten married in recent years and it’s been interesting to see how each one handles the “last name issue.” It is such a personal decision for the woman, but also for the couple. I’m recently engaged and have decided to change my last name, but I was curious about my fiance’s thoughts. He said “I am fine with whatever you decide. I look at it as something I’m offering to you, and it is your decision if you would like to take it.” I do think, though, that when I legally change my name I may also may change or add my current last name and use it as a legal middle name. Just something to keep it a part of my name – though truly, it is just a name. I will still be me either way!
Great point that the name issue affects both people in the couple, not just the woman. And I agree that, no matter what you choose, you are still you. Congrats on your recent engagement, Kate!
Oh, goodness… my name story (and my kids’) is so convoluted that it just becomes funny. Summary: mother divorced twice, married 3 times; she entered me in school under stepfather’s last name but did not legally change it; I find out it is not my legal name in high school when I go to get my driver’s license; since I have been this name for 16 years, I go to a judge and get it legally changed; in my 20′s, I decide I really love my birth last name (and also find out my biological father was upset about my name being changed but reluctantly wrote a letter to the schools giving permission for me to be entered as such), a lovely French name, so I tack it on the end and use both names (stepfather’s + bio father’s/ birth last name) professionally- no one spells or pronounces it correctly, but I am stubborn; my deeply beloved paternal grandmother of this name dies and my attachment to it deepens; I get engaged and my husband to be is fine with me keeping my litany of names; I use getting married as my chance to make the whole name legal; I deal with Santa Fe magistrate court and SS admin and almost give up but persevere; I do not hyphenate, just simply have two parts to my last name- this will make it easier to drop down to the birth last name, eventually; I get pregnant and my lyrical French name is going to die out… we decide to give it to the baby, but my husband is sad she won’t also have his name… so, yes, we do the worst, “go overboard,” and saddle our girls with hyphenated names that are both hard to spell or pronounce. In preschool, first daughter’s name is already getting shortened to just the French bit, as we expected would happen…. Sometimes I say, what have I done? Other times, as the alliteration of first daughter’s name flows in my mind and I smile to know she has the same name as the great-grandmother who would have been over the moon about her and as the grandpa (my biological father) who feels I was largely wrenched out of his life when I was a child (a fate I cannot fully fathom now that I am a parent) it seems right. When she and her sister are older they can do what they like with their names. If they marry, I will support whatever choice they want to make in the matter. For now, they will have the chance to practice writing lots of letters and can learn to politely pronounce their names for all who will not know how in the world to say them… it is an imperfect solution, maybe it’s ridiculous, but, as you can see, there can be a great deal to a name indeed. And that’s my story.
Unfortunately, my husband and I did not discuss this issue before our wedding day. At first, I thought I would take his name as that’s the tradition and all of that, but now that it’s actually time for me to do it, I’m having reservations. My name isn’t unique by any means. There are a million of me. And I don’t have a career based on my name or anything like that. But I’m attached to it all the same. Why is that wrong? My husband thinks that I’m being ridiculous and keeps saying I should have brought this up before we got married because then he could’ve changed his mind about marrying me. I don’t see why it should be a deal breaker. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do with my name. I’ll either take his name and drop my maiden or hyphenate. I would think the hyphenate would be acceptable, but he’s acting like I’m not taking his name at all. He’s acting like this is a horrible insult to him. He won’t even attempt to see it from my side.
Sounds like such a tough position for you to be in, and like you, I find it hard to understand why this would be a “deal breaker.” I wish you luck in dealing with this tricky and highly personal issue.
I sat next to my then 9-yr-old daughter during the wedding of my brother and his wife. At the end, the pastor had them turn to face the audience and said, “I’d like to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Greg Wood.” She turned to me and said in a not very quiet indignant whisper, “That’s not her name–her name is Kim!”
I had raised her as a single parent and married when she turned 8. I never seriously considered changing my name, maybe because I had already broken society’s norms by having a child out of wedlock and not marrying her father. I had no desire to give up my identity. Of course, my father jokingly used my husband’s name on all correspondence to me, etc. which at first ticked me off until I just learned to laugh about it.
My daughter is now 20 and I am going through a divorce. I’m so thankful not to have to deal with the legalities of getting my name back—it’s one thing I never gave up. But I am now faced with a strange conundrum. I’m in love and plan to marry my new partner. And I want to indicate how I feel about this partnership–that indeed it is two people working together and loving each other. I am strongly considering hyphenating my name—but only if he is willing to do the same (which he suggested he is). The feminist part of me has no desire for an identity subsumed under a man, but if the name for both of us reflects an outward sign of our commitment to this partnership, then I am comfortable with that.
I love your daughter’s response! The name issue is so tough, and I fully understand both wanting to share a name and not wanting to give up one’s own. I like the idea of both of you hyphenating–that seems egalitarian as well as very relationally oriented.
Thank you, Dana, for this thoughtful post. It, along with the discussion following has really helped me relax a little about this decision. I am recently engaged and the decision about my name has already started to give me anxiety. You and those who responded to your post seem so compassionate and non-judgmental about this decision.
In my heart, I want to take his name and have a consistent family name like I never had as a child. My parents each divorced and remarried, and I never shared a name with the family I lived with (my mom, step-dad, and step-sisters). It actually surprised me when I realized I wanted to change my name, and I fear it will surprise many others. I find myself battling the questions of “What will so-and-so think?” or “What would this say about me and my identity?” and “Will my friends see this as weakness?” (almost all of my close friends kept their maiden names when they married). Also there is the issue of ethnic identity because my fiance is Korean-American (and has a Korean name) and I am white of Irish descent. What a dilemma!
Wow, I love this topic. About to get re-married in a few months, and sitting with this issue. Mine is a VERY unique situation! I got married the first time when I was very young (19) and changed my name to my husband’s last name because 1) I am not close to my father, and did not wish to carry on his name 2) I had never liked my maiden name aesthetically; it was rather yucky; 3) I LOVED loved loved my husband’s last name! 4) interestingly, my husband has a hyphenated name, and I opted only for the first part, which was his mother’s maiden name. Anyway, I loved (and still love) that woman, and my eventual divorce from her son was extremely amicable. We have remained friends until this day. As an independent, often unconventional woman and feminist, I am proud of my decision to KEEP my husband’s last name upon divorcing, despite the fact that we had no children. Friends, boyfriends, etc. have always been shocked at this; many people I meet who assume that because I’m not currently married that must mean I never have been (sigh – this is what youth brings – I am in my late 20′s) are SHOCKED to find out that my last name is not my maiden name. “Well what IS your maiden name, then?? What do you MEAN you kept your ex-husband’s name? But you don’t have kids with him! Well, you can’t POSSIBLY keep it if you ever get remarried!”
I beg to differ! It is MY name, after all — regardless of its origin — and has been for YEARS! I chose to take it, I chose to keep it – mine!
My fiancé not only expressed to me early on that he not only has to qualms with me keeping my last name, he loves it and thinks it suits me. He thinks well of my ex-husband; appreciates that he is a good man, but that we were just young and had gotten in over our heads and couldn’t make it work in the end. My fiancé also has no problem with us hyphenated our children’s names with my last name. Talk about progressive! “No, I don’t think of it as your ex’s last name, I think of it as YOUR name” he says, “and it’s awesome.” BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER! We were engaged in a complete feminist-philosophical breakdown of the whole issue of the patriarchal institution of women hyphenating, men not changing anything, etc. He expressed to me that he thinks it’s only fair that we BOTH take on each other’s names in hyphenated form; not only that, he desires to do so. He wants to share my name, too, he says, in the same way that I want to share his. “I look at it like: I’m not losing anything…only gaining!” Which is exactly how I feel.
I feel that I am gaining a rare honor and dignity, from the actions of a truly progressive, feminist-minded man who is secure enough with himself to value true equality over social convention, and who is willing to put my own feelings and my dignity as an equal partner in marriage above anyone else’s “expectations” of us. Just one of the many reasons he is the most lovable man on earth.
I kept my maiden and took my husband’s name. I felt it was important since marrying later in life that I was already established professionally and felt I had accomplished alot in life. Since I got married my spouse and I have accomplished a lot together. I did not want to loose me and told my mother this after I got married. I tend not to like to hyphen although the world does around me. I like to be different just as Coretta Scott King and Jada Pinkett Smith. People call me by my maiden and married name even though I don’t use the hyphen. There are some people who work with me who don’t acknowlege me under all three names but oh well. I know who I am and that’s all that matters.
My son does not have a hyphen name because my husband asked that we do not use my families name. They were not very good in-laws at the time. I respected that request. Since then they have improved tremendously. I’m glad I did my name this way because I have watched so many before me loose themselves in marriage and loose their identity especially my mother and I did not want to do that to myself. Call it selfish but, I didn’t want to be like her. Now she is divorced after 40 years and doesn’t know what to do or what she could have been.
Thanks for this – I am really interested in this topic (and would love to carry out some proper research on the topic). I am a staunch name keeper through a first (15 year) marriage and my current marriage. I am particularly interested in exploring whether women really do feel they have a choice. There is so much familial and societal expectation around changing that I believe many women simply ‘give in’. This seems to be borne out by a survey in the UK of unmarried women where 30% said they would ‘keep their name’ after marriage when in fact a far smaller number actually do. This ingrained expectation perhaps explains why our officiant announced us as Mr & Mrs HisLast despite having been told there were no name changes as well as having the marriage certificate envelope handed to us similarly addressed. It still makes me angry 6 years on!
It is interesting that my own family were reluctant to continue using my own last name when addressing things to me after I married yet when I changed my first name by Deed Poll to use my middle name instead they found it almost impossible to use my new name!
Names really do matter as has already been mentioned and I am heartened to read the replies to see how very seriously many people take this subject.
This is definitely a topic of interest for me. Before I got married, I decided that I would keep my maiden name for both professional and personal reasons. My (then) fiance said he didn’t have a problem with it. A few of his family members were very opposed, but only 1 made a negative comment to me. About 2 weeks before the wedding, my fiance said he was feeling differently & really wanted me to take his name. The defining moment came as we were headed out for the honeymoon: I had to leave a medical statement with my in-laws as they were caring for my child from a previous relationship. I chose not to drop any of my names but to hyphenate our two surnames. Now, after 16 years of marriage, I’m beginning to feel differently. Writing the two surnames together seems unwieldy at times and, as I married late, my given name was very much part of my identity. Plus, a couple of years ago, I learned that my family name is connected with a certain AmerIndian group, another significant. aspect of my identity. Now I’m contemplating how far I want to go with a name change–it seemed that taking on my husband’s name was effortless, not-to-mention assumed by the “powers that be”. I’m not too happy about the prospect of having to pay to revert my name back. At this point, I haven’t officially decided to make a legal change but I have begun to shorten my name during certain exchanges. It certainly would’ve been easier if I hadn’t made the change in the first place.
This is a very interesting topic and one that resonates particularly with me as I married just over a year ago. As long as I could remember, and before I met my husband, I was adamant that I was going to keep my own name. When I was younger it was mostly a feminist choice, but as I have got older it has got as much to do with my connection to my family and my personal and professional identity. When I first told my husband about this choice, before we were even engaged, he was horrified and we ended up arguing over it. He is the last in his family to bear his name and he felt it would be somehow and indication of how I felt about him if I didn’t take his name and that it would be weird for any future children and confusing in that people wouldn’t instantly know that I was their mother. He refused to budge, I said it was unfair on me to make a legal, and emotional, change against my will. We decided to compromise with a hypen and we both grew to like that idea over the years and certainly by the time we were actually engaged. On our wedding day I had custom place settings made for us; mine was Emma MyLast HisLast, his was D HisLast. In the end, though, I ended up not changing at all, a combination of never having the will to actually do it and having become professionally established under my name in the interim. We have agreed, without debate, that any future children will have his name (although I would like to give at least one my name as a middle name) and I would consider hyphenating when the time came as I would like my children and I to share a name.
When I was engaged, though, what surprised me were other people’s attitudes. My own mother responded with “that’s awful!!” when, on her remarking that it was my last Christmas as a MyLast, I responded with no it wasn’t because I was keeping my name. My father in law, when before the wedding he said to me “the next time I see you it will be your last few moments as a MyLast” I responded with actually no it wasn’t because I was keeping my name, snapped at me and exclaimed “well what is the point in even getting married then!” Work colleagues were also constantly asking me if I would change my name with one getting angry at me for having the audacity to consider hyphenating and another chipping in that surely I wouldn’t be so cruel as to hyphenate children’s names!
Finally, I am in my late 20s (just!) and over the last number of years around 30 or so friends, old school friends and acquaintances have got married. Of that number only I have retained my name, two have hyphenated and the rest have taken their husband’s name.
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I am so grateful to find this article online. I am also grateful to all of you who shared your experiences, thoughts and opinions on this subject. I have recently married my long time boyfriend after seven years. I am still in my twenties. My maiden name, McGraw had a lot of issues in itself, such as it was always misspelled, or mispronounced. Plus, my father drilled the importance of our last name and identity during my as well as my younger sister’s upbringing. My husband’s last name is a bit longer, Robinson. Because of the fact that I am known to so many organizations and businesses as McGraw, I couldn’t part with it as of yet, Then I did not want my husband to feel slighted if I did not take his last name. he says to me all of the time that he could care less what I call myself because he knows who I am, Still having both names is important to me. This becomes a touchy subject in my family as all of the women in my immediate family hyphenated (my mother and my sister). My extended family such as aunts and my grandmother dropped their maiden names and took on their husband’s names. I have no children as of yet. I am debating on whether or not to drop McGraw once I begin to have them. I also like the idea of using it as a middle name on the birth certificate. I am currently the youngest person at my place of employment. I am also the first one to get married in a long time. Most people at work only calls or refer to me by my maiden name. Some will call me both, but that is rare. I am usually one or the other. I am also a graduate student obtaining a Masters in Social Work. I had this one professor last semester who told me that my name was too long. I will admit that I did take offense to it. Anyway, if there are any thoughts, feel free to contact me. All have a joyous day.
I am having quite a conflict with myself over this issue. My married name is “Vincent” I am about to be divorced but I love the name. I would like to keep it. Now, this wouldn’t be an issue at all if it were my Maiden name, but it’s my soon to be Ex husband’s family name. I think it would be wrong to keep his name and not adopt my new husband’s family name. I love him very much and am so proud to be part of his family. Should I hyphenate? Still, the problem is that it would seem like I still crave some connection with my Ex. I really don’t, I just love the name. I think it will have to go though, I really can’t be bothered with the third degree every time I tell someone the background x