Who Were You, Before You Knew?

You are all dancers.

This, from a wise teacher named Sarah, to a class of Nia students who spanned the spectrum of form and fitness.  This, to a class bound more by a shared loved of movement, and a hedonistic drive for pleasure, than by any perfectionistic notion that we were there to master the jazz square.

You are all dancers.

Her message was met by groans, many of us embarrassed to accept that designation, hesitant to believe that it could ever apply to us.

Because dancer implies that someone is good at dancing, or maybe that she gets paid to move for the pleasure of others (and, we hope, for her own pleasure, too).  But at one time, when we were mere wisps of the adults we would one day become, all of us danced in the most organic sense; we instinctively moved our bodies, naturally inclined to jerk and sway and stomp.   We responded to rhythm that pulsated in our heads; we translated sweet melodies into motion.  Before we gave it a name, and self-consciously defined the act of moving, we were all dancers.

During that precious period when the me is not yet delineated from the not-me, our curiosity is expansive, our confidence deep.  We are tree-climbers and singers and poets and soccer players.  Because we do these activities.  And that is sufficient.

But somewhere along the way, most of us discard these labels—these identities—as we discard the pink tutu and the paintbrush.  Who me?  I’m not a dancer.  Or a singer.  Or an artist.  Or a writer.  Or a swimmer… Continue reading

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Filed under Being Authentic, Motherhood, Parenting, Self Care, Uncategorized

Telling the Truth about Motherhood: Do You Dare?

There are mornings in which words are too much; the previous night’s tension has not yet left my jaw, and the stream of questions and entreats–rapid-fired from little mouths which don’t yet require caffeine–proves too much for my overwrought mind.  Like the aspens which bend before my window in pre-dawn wind, I too have spent a night being battered: by images, by fragments of what I said and she said; by imaginings and second thoughts about the shape of a scraggly juniper which, the day before, met its match in a pair of long, sharp shears.   It can be anything, these ruminations that keep me up at night. 

And then there are the voices of my day, those which emanate unrehearsed, live from the moment as it uncoils.  I want to savor these young voices, to delight in staccato speech and the sputtering of words just learned.  But at times, my need for stillness and silence prevents me from such revelry.  At times, I seek only to tame the wild moment, because the unpredictability of  parenting—which in my mind leans toward chaos—can prove too much for my pattern-seeking nature.

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I’ve written often about my difficulty with motherhood (here, here and here, for example).  And each time I do so, I worry about how my daughters will respond when they, one day, read the ancient musings of their mother.  Will they confuse my feelings about the role of motherhood with my feelings about them?  Will they believe, if I acknowledge frustration with the fact that motherhood tends to be isolating and repetitious for me, that I love them less?  Or that they are responsible for my feelings?

The concept of modern motherhood is nothing if not a contradiction: we are told that we’re responsible for everything our child does, but then that we’ve overstepped our bounds and become too controlling; we are told to keep all potentially harmful substances—from pesticides to plastics–away from our children, but then told we should give our kids freedom and room to roam; we are taught to attend to their emotional, social, physical, intellectual, and spiritual needs, but then written off as helicopter parents, unable to separate from the children we’ve inadvertently smothered.  (But don’t dare back too far away from your precious and needy children, lest you want to be called selfish–perhaps the biggest sin in motherhood.)

This confusion about the optimal distance between mother and child boils down to this:  Are mothers supposed to have their own lives and experiences, independent from those of their children?  Most of us would answer a resounding “yes.”  Yet it’s likely we still fear that our distance may harm our children, because it implies that our availability will be limited.  (If you disagree, consider the so-called Mommy wars, and the heated debate about whether the children of working mothers are damaged by being in daycare; this remains an emotionally loaded and highly provocative issue.)

Another incarnation of this question is whether mothers are entitled to have—and give voice to—their negative experiences with motherhood.  Publicly acknowledging such sentiments may feel taboo, as though a sacred institutional pact has been breached by a disloyal member.  

Then there is the idea that our children will be harmed if we articulate the challenges of motherhood or show them that we’re struggling.  It is true that a parent’s emotional outpouring can be distressing or even damaging for a child, particularly if it is accompanied by abusive behavior, or if it is ongoing and representative of mental illness.  And children shouldn’t be asked to provide counsel or emotional support to parents struggling with their own issues.  But I suspect that our fear of acknowledging maternal dissatisfaction derives not just from our desire to protect children, but from the age-old belief that women are not full-fledged subjects in their own lives, entitled to their own experiences and reactions, but rather baby-making machines.    

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On days in which parenting takes the wind from my sails, I think of the ballerina in my daughter’s musical jewelry box.  Each time the box is opened, I’m surprised to see her spring to life; I assume that she’s been permanently destroyed, due to rough treatment from dirt-encrusted hands and a sharp hinge which comes dangerously close to decapitating her.  But there she is, rising again when the box is next opened, turning steadily as ever to the tune of “It’s a Small World.”  

Most mothers can likely relate to this tenacious plastic doll: we endure and persevere, and sometimes surprise ourselves with our own resiliency.  But, unlike the doll, we need to vent and spill and gripe about our lives, especially on days when our own spring fails–days when we’re not sure we’re cut out for this thing called motherhood.   In the end, there is no template, no right way to be a mom.  And at times, we all feel dissatisfaction and despair.  But ideally we can surround ourselves not just with children and their buckets of toys and clothes and carriers, but with other mothers who speak their truth and say, “I hear you” when we speak ours.

How about you–do you tell others if you’re struggling?  And do you think mothers are encouraged to speak of their dissatisfaction with the role?

Photo by Tilemahos Efthimiadis, via Flickr’s Creative Commons License.

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Filed under Being Authentic, Feminism, Girls, Motherhood, Navel Gazing (or More About Me), Parenting, Self Care

Yee Haw! The Roundup on Bravery (SDWW)

It’s rodeo time here in Santa Fe, which means bulls and barrels and roundups aplenty.  But today, I’m thinking about a roundup of a different kind, since I’ve had the honor of hosting this month’s Self-Discovery, Word by Word series.  Today, thanks to all of these layered, wise, and soul-searching posts, I’m thinking about bravery.

Bravery, as you’ll see, looks different for each of us; its particulars vary in accordance with who we are, how we live, what we need.  And yet many of us have sought to embody bravery for the same purpose: to value and present our authentic selves; to tolerate and find comfort within the very real delineations of our identity.

(Who knew it took so much courage just to be real?)

Thanks again to all those who took the time to craft such beautiful posts.  Happy reading!

Bravery in Unexpected Places  (by Weightless)

Confidence Takes Courage (by Health for the Whole Self)

Bravery: A Little Every Day (by Mind, Body & Scroll)

On Feeling Small and Learning to be Brave (by Medicinal Marzipan)

Bravery and OCPD (by The Writing Goddess)

One Brave Little Soul (by Nourishing the Soul)

I Never Thought I was Brave (by Voice in Recovery)

It Takes Guts to be Your Kind of Awesome (by Looking in the Mirror)

On Bravery: Why Jumping out of Planes is Easy (by Cynosure)

What Bravery Means to Me (by Chibi Jeebs & the Neurotic Struggle)

Bravery (by Girl Before a Mirror)

The Bravest Thing (by Handprint Soul)

Brave Enough (by Recovery, PJ Style)

Bravery: Self Discovery, Word by Word (by Butter and Barbells)

From the Therapist’s Chair:  Seeing Extrardinary Bravery (by Healthy Balanced Life)

To learn more about Self-Discovery, Word by Word, including how to participate in upcoming months, visit Dr. Ashley Solomon at Nourishing the Soul.

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Filed under Being Authentic, Body Love, Dieting, Eating Disorders, Relationships, Self Care, Uncategorized

Toys with Lead: They’re Still for Sale and I Bought One

So apparently it is still acceptable to use lead in children’s toys, just as it’s acceptable to use lead in women’s cosmetics.  Because children rarely put toys in their mouths, and women rarely put lipstick on their lips.  Or so the logic would go.

I learned this unexpected lesson recently when, in a rush, I let pragmatism trump principle, and bought a birthday present from Toys ‘R Us, rather than a responsibly-stocked local store.

It looked benign enough, with bright colored packaging and cheery font: Totally Me! Stylin’ Bead Boutique screamed FUN!!! in a 6 year-old girl sort of way.  I imagined stubby fingers maneuvering the metal and plastic beads over loops of twine which would later adorn necks and wrists; I imagined pride at being able to create and then display the final product.

But I didn’t imagine this: “Contains lead.  May be harmful if eaten or chewed.  May generate dust containing lead.” 

Wait, what?

Continue reading

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Filed under Girls, Media, Motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized

Small “b” Bravery: Have You Got it?

The word bravery conjures up images of capes, tights, and super heroes whose parts—muscles or mammaries—rival overinflated balloons.  It is typically used to describe remarkable acts and heroic feats, particularly those which relate to physical strength or military might.

As a result, bravery seems largely inaccessible—a virtue reserved for the average person presented with unthinkable circumstances, such as hurricane Katrina, or to heroes whose stories—real or fabricated—seem remote or even irrelevant to our daily lives.  Because really, when was the last time you needed to escape from a marauding band of warriors?  Or to settle a dispute with your neighbor while wearing chain mail?

Even though hand-to-hand combat seems more barbaric than laudable in these modern, technologically saturated times, life regularly calls for ordinary bravery—the kind of gritty chutzpah or pluck required to survive the quotidian.

Bravery of this flavor is subtle and understated; it is a deep pulse that carries us onward and steadies us as we face life’s less dramatic waves.  Woven into the concepts of flexibility and perseverance, this small “b” bravery helps us befriend the notion that change comes not through grand gestures or sweeping declarations, but through slow and deliberate practice.

Sometimes we confuse bravery with stoicism; we tell ourselves to buck up or snap out of it because we believe this is the strong thing to do—the thing that will reinstate a sense of control or make us feel powerful.  And yet denying our experience doesn’t take much bravery; it’s actually quite easy to press fast-forward and hide from ourselves or the reality of life.

The more courageous route would be to acknowledge the feelings or thoughts, even those that are unpleasant or so-called negative, and to examine them a bit.  Do they nest in our stomach or our shoulders?  What do they tell us?  And how can we learn from them?

Bravery may be a cake walk when others are watching; we can easily fulfill public promises and do ourselves proud.  But when we are only in the company of ourselves, when we occupy a single bed or a table for one, does our mettle begin to melt?  Do we find it hard to follow through on our intention to take better care of our bodies, or to turn off the ever-buzzing media so that we come to know the landscape of our own vantage point?  Are we able to confront a history that we’d just as soon forget, or to shun a cultural imperative that is clearly detrimental to our lives?

Unlike its swashbuckling, big “B” cousin, psychological bravery can slip by unnoticed and unappreciated; it doesn’t make headlines or win us any awards.  But there’s something precious about this dark horse of a quality, because it tethers us to meaning, purpose and dignity—to the most essential parts of who we are.

And it doesn’t call for chain mail.  Which is a win in my book.

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What does bravery mean to you?  And when have you been most brave?

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This post is part of the Self Discovery, Word by Word series.  Interested in participating?  Click here to find out how.

 

 

 

Photo credits:  1. Rainy Monday; 2.  dank1012, both via Flickr’s Creative Commons License.

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Filed under Being Authentic, Dieting, Eating Disorders, Exercise, Self Care, Uncategorized

Ordinary Bravery: Self Discovery, Word by Word

Some of you may remember the Self Discovery Word by Word series–brain child of Dr. Ashley Solomon at Nourishing the Soul—from my post on change a couple months back.  Well, this month I have the honor of hosting this ongoing series, and the word I’ve chosen to focus on is bravery.  Although I’ve written about this word before, particularly in reference to the process of aging, I wanted to examine it again—to let it bounce around my brain so that I could observe its path and study its associations.  Because when you think about it, life requires a good deal of bravery, and it’s likely we rise to the occasion on a regular basis, whether or not we know it.

The purpose of Ashley’s SDWW series is to encourage the blogging community to engage in self-reflection as it unites and huddles around a particular word.  You can learn more about the series hereAnd if you’d like to participate this month—and yes, of course you should!–here is what you can do:

  1. Write a post on your blog about the word bravery.
  2. Include the SDWW icon in your post, so that you can identify yourself as a participant, and so that we can find each other in the great big web!
  3. To ensure that I know about your post, email or tweet me the link. Or, you can post it on the Body and the Brood Facebook page.  But however you do it, be sure you notify me by Friday, June 17th (can you believe it’s already June?).  I’ll link to all of your posts on Tuesday, June 21.
Confused?  Want help?  Just email me!  And check back soon for my own post on the topic of bravery, too.  Happy writing!

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Should We Be at War with Obesity?

A recent study by researchers at Yale’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity suggests that news outlets frequently utilize images which portray obese individuals in a stigmatizing manner–unprofessionally dressed, at unflattering angels, or eating junk food.

File this one under “Duh.”

Though unsurprising, axiomatic studies like this one serve an important purpose: They speak to our culture’s profound fear of obesity, and they remind us that we might rightly be shocked by such degrading and dehumanizing depictions.  As it is, a large number of us will fail to see the prejudice and hatred which fuel the use of these images, because we’ve come to see obese individuals as “symbols of an epidemic rather than valued members of society,” explains Rebecca Puhl, one of the study’s authors.

What if overweight individuals were photographed in a positive way like this?

Our unchecked loathing of obesity can be found lurking in ostensibly benign places, such as conversations about health, wellness, and fitness.  Yes, it sounds like we’re talking about biology—such as the number on the scale or how we fare on measures of cardiovascular fitness.  But underneath our words are fierce currents of hatred and shame, because being fat conjures up an entire debate about morality and personal responsibility; science is not easily divorced from the cultural deification of thinness.

To be fair, the rise in childhood obesity and its associated sequalae, such as diabetes, is rightly concerning.  But what we’re learning is that shame-based tactics don’t contribute to the reduction of weight, on a personal or aggregate level.  Another study by the same authors at Yale, including principle investigator Rebecca Puhl, found that individuals who internalize the stigma of being overweight are less likely to lose weight.  As she explained in a recent Hartford Courant article by William Weir, “When [people are] stigmatized by their weight, they’re more likely to engage in unhealthy eating.  Stigma is a form of stress and a common coping method is eating food.”

The take-home?  Negative portrayals of obese individuals don’t encourage people to eat healthier and to lose weight.  If anything, such images are more likely to reduce the self-esteem of obese individuals, which then creates a disincentive to engage in self-care and, in particular, healthy eating.

All this calls into question a recent initiative by the San Antonio school board to photograph the lunch trays of school children before and after they’ve eaten.  The aim, which sounds laudable enough, is to reduce obesity and to improve dietary habits.

Yet such an approach doesn’t empower children to make healthy choices when it comes to food.  Rather, it relies upon the fear of being found out—of knowing that your dietary peccadilloes will be recorded by a camera and then communicated to your parents.  As if the cafeteria weren’t challenging enough already–with its nuanced social interactions related to where and with whom you sit, and peer-to-peer evaluation of the contents of your tray, now mom and dad—and the school board!—have a surrogate set of eyes in the lunch room.  What pressure!  What shame!

It’s hard to identify a front on which we are winning the war on obesity.  And it certainly feels as though we are engaged in a war; just ask Michelle Obama, who has catapulted obesity from mere enemy of the people, to enemy of the state.

Perhaps it is because we have drawn upon military analogies and strategies that we have failed so miserably.  When we choose to attack obesity, we are really declaring war upon ourselves:  our genetics, our predilection to eat more than we physically need, our emotional hunger (which is often mistaken for physical hunger), and the very real human tendency to struggle with moderation on a variety of fronts.

And then there are the variables frequently neglected in the discussion of obesity and weight, those like ethnicity, religion, and gender.  It’s unclear how we can win a war on obesity if doing so means asking people to relinquish an essential part of their cultural, religious or regional identity—a part that involves eating foods which may be low in nutritional value but nonetheless steeped in tradition and ritual.  Any attempt to eradicate obesity must necessarily consider the very real issue of socioeconomic status and class affiliation, as well.

We might consider abandoning our military strategy—and the underlying prejudice regarding weight—in favor of the Health at Every Size (HAES) approach.  HAES democratizes the concept of health, and purports that it is available to all.  It is a philosophy based more on acceptance, and working within existing parameters, than on pushing untenable weight loss efforts (which usually fail, anyway).  Such a shift would encourage us to develop a healthy relationship with all foods—the good and the bad—and with our bodies: one based on self-care and thoughtfulness, rather than fear of being watched, photographed, or teased.

Sadly, the war on obesity has become the war on the obese Our culture’s articulated and tacit fear of fat often drives health initiatives regarding weight loss, which likely reduces the impact of such efforts and marginalizes an increasing number of Americans.

Surely, we can do better, on metrics of equality and simple kindness, as well as health.

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Do you think the war on obesity has gone too far, in that it targets people, rather than the problem itself?  And should we be more accepting of a diversity of sizes?

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Photo by lululemon athletica via Flickr’s Creative Commons.


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Filed under Body Image, Body Love, Dieting, Eating Disorders, Media, Uncategorized